Unpopular Opinion: Jada Pinkett, A Woman Unapologetic About Her Human Experience.

Somewhere along the line, society made women the gatekeepers of forgiveness, submission, understanding and all things nice.

I have thoroughly enjoyed the different views that have been going around since American actress and talk-show host Jada Pinkett Smith, released her memoir Worthy, and went about promoting it on talk shows and podcasts across the United States. Many people online want to lose their minds while others have decided that they are too mature to be involved in a relationship they do not know much about. I call bullshit. Which stone have you been hiding under? We know a lot, at least enough to form opinions. But I understand those who find the whole situation triggering.

Allow me to share the reasons behind our triggers. First, Jada’s experience counters the ‘I am a good girl, I am drama-free, please choose me and this is how to stay married’ narrative. They told us females that if we were long-suffering and silent, our relationships would work, but here comes Jada. What is she showing us? That we can be ‘men’ (because they are the ones allowed to have human experiences) and our partners will take on the ‘women’s’ roles of forgiving. A shocker because forgiveness in a relationship has always been the preserve of women. 

As a society, we have believed in the lie that a man cannot take the treatment that he puts his woman through. And because of that belief, we are more tolerant when a man embarrasses a woman, but when a woman does the same thing; we want to burn the earth and walk to the afterlife.

Let us be honest, as women, we, especially those of us who have been married or been in long-term relationships, know that relationships are not scripted. Moreover, just like Jada, all of us have, at one point or another, told a person or three exactly what we have gone through and what we have done either to cope or to retaliate. The difference here is Jada has put it in a book for the whole world to read. It blows our minds because we would never do that! Why? Because we are afraid. Fear of repercussions. From society, from our families and our men. I dare say the fear of accepting our authentic experience. How dare I accept publicly that I am not perfect?

We have been taught as women that our most valued possession is our standing in society. This keeps us from speaking our truth. We stay quiet mostly because we do not want to be perceived as bitter, vindictive, loose, manipulative or wicked when, in fact, we are all these things at some point. It is human, after all. 

Relationships can be very stressful when silence is demanded of you. My grandma, may she rest in peace, used to say that you should talk. Speak about your problems, tell anyone who cares to listen, tell a dog or a tree stamp. Because when we deny women their voices, we give men the right to live without repercussions. Stop telling women that men cannot forgive, they can. We are not emotionally stronger. Those are all lies. And these are some of the things that make all of us uncomfortable about Jada telling her truth. 

Someone once said that if they wanted you to write well about them, they would have behaved better. I agree.

In speaking her truth, Jada forces us to face our truth, the truth we cannot sanitise. Relationships are not black and white. We do not always like the people we are with and they do not always like us. Sometimes, we will always love someone else and one cannot turn that love off. We are good, but we also cause pain. Sometimes we are led into temptation and at other times, we know where to find it.

We are women and our lives cannot be about covering everyone at the expense of our experiences just so that society can see us as nice people. The world is triggered because we cannot believe a woman has refused to wear the nice badge.

The experience of humaning is reckless and sometimes risky, a privilege men have always enjoyed. To human means that sometimes, we hurt others and sometimes, we are selfish. It can even involve pleasure at the expense of others. Somewhere along the line, society made women the gatekeepers of forgiveness, submission, understanding and all things nice. Don't you think it is about time we take turns? When I am in my phase, the man should understand and when he is in his, I will understand. That is what a relationship is and should be practically, not just in theory.

Jada’s experience threatens society’s reign over women. They got us to this place by constantly threatening us with consequences that we women already suffer by betraying ourselves. We have propagated baseless narratives until we have become accomplices in our oppression. It is time to do better. It is hard to change, but you know the story of building Rome ….

Finally, as much as we have made fun of Smith, wait, we have made him the butt of a lot of our jokes because we do not understand. I think that Smith is on another level in this human experience. He has understood himself and because of that; he has allowed another human being to have her own experience without trying to take over the limelight by playing the victim. Smith seems to have the strength and knowledge to understand that someone else‘s experience is just that, their experience, and they have a right to express it. That man is deep.

Also available on the Nuria app and Selar platform