Unpopular Opinion; An Affair As An Option
Let us normalize having affairs, or rather the option to have affairs, so that the burden of maintaining a relationship can be shared.
20 There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. 21 So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled.
Ezekiel 23 NIV
A lady said to me that she could not read my book because she is Christian. I was curious to know what was so triggering for her as a Christian. She said I was encouraging women to have affairs. Fair enough. I then asked her why one chapter was frightening her; she did not have to have an affair if she did not want to. Perhaps another chapter would be beneficial. She mumbled something about manifesting what she reads, so she should read only 'pure' literature. Also a fair response (But on a serious note, you have more control than that). I asked her if she had read the bible after I quoted the above verses. There are more outrageous verses that if we manifested everything we read, just from the bible especially, we would be boiling children.
I honestly understand the shock women experience when I tell them to have an affair. Women have taken on the role of moral police, which has worked against us. Someone asked, “What, then, is the difference between you and the man who is cheating on you?” Take off your moral cloak. It is not a contest between who is good and who is bad. We are looking into options that might work for us.
Have An Affair.
Once you get used to reading it, I would like you to do more. I want you to explore the idea that this is an option available to you. Why?
My mother used to give me extra money to stash away when I went to the club when I was younger. She explained that the money was for emergencies. It was to be hidden in places only I knew. What it essentially did for me was give me confidence. I did not worry if I needed an extra drink. I did not have to play nice because I needed a ride home. I could just be myself, talk to who I wanted, and dance until I had had enough. I had options.
Now if you accept that you have options, you walk into a relationship a different type of animal. Nothing is a life and death situation and so you can stop panicking, pleading, needing, acting, and spying. You are a more attractive woman because you can be your authentic self. On top of that, you will not betray yourself because you are not operating from a point of scarcity. You enjoy yourself and have control over your experiences.
The scarcity mentality has made women (me included) do strange things and men for love. You have believed in the lie that there is only one man for you. (Ask for forgiveness from God, your ancestors, and or the universe).
When we get into a serious relationship, our number one goal is to make sure our man never looks anywhere else. It is what we have been told all our lives. You must keep your man or you have failed. We give ourselves the job of the prison warden. Run ourselves ragged trying to keep the man occupied and entertained. This is it. If you fail, that is the end. Most times we have forgiven the man so many times that we do not like him anymore. Now we are just committed to not getting divorced (God hates divorce) or being left.
I remember a story of a woman who found out her husband had another woman. She put all their employees on involuntary watch. Everyone had to report if Mzee was in the area and if he was alone or not. And if he was not alone, she would jump into her vehicle and dash to the scene. Funny enough, he always managed to ‘escape’. I often wonder what she would do if she ever found them. I imagine she would shout, “Aha, I have found you!” then the man would bow his head in shame and immediately stop canoodling with the other woman. (Eye roll)
One night she got a report that the Mzee had arrived at their village house with the mistress. Do you know the woman drove in the night from the city to the village, alone?
She never caught them, not for lack of trying; I am sure he had his own team within Madam's. But imagine if he also knew that she had an option? Ok, I do not recommend that you tell a man this, but, suppose she carried herself with such assurance that she never wept uncontrollably because she knew if this (an affair - emotional or otherwise) was something she wanted to do, she could do it. Suppose he came home and found her happy, enjoying life, confident, and pursuing her dreams instead of playing cat and mouse cross country in the night like an evil spirit. Even if he still had his side relationships, the most important thing is that she would be living her life, not endangering it with high blood pressure-inducing activities.
I know some women will say they can do it without having an affair or even considering it as an option available to them. LIAR! When you find out that the man you sacrificed your dreams for (by the way, nobody asked you to), stood by, and even died on the inside for, decided he was not going to forfeit anything for you, he was going to find fulfillment wherever he could, despite being married, that shit hurts worse than being kicked in the chest by a donkey. (I imagine, I have never been kicked by a donkey).
“I can sit up in her house and laugh, you understand what I am saying? I can laugh out loud and it feels good, it reaches all the way down to the bottom of my shoes Rose, I can’t give that up!”
A man gets into a relationship with options. Perhaps you were able to persuade him away from another option; in any case, he is not in that relationship with a do-or-die mentality. (A man’s love for you does not hinder his dreams and aspirations.) That is why they often seem confident and content. It is an option they have allowed themselves. I am not suggesting that you compete with men, but rather that you learn from them.
Having an affair is an option that is not only available because you want confidence or because he is finding his happiness (once he finds happiness he will not give it up) sometimes it is because of his views of what a mother or wife should be. See the Twitter thread below.
Many of us have been taught that sex is the one dirty but necessary thing you can do, in the marriage of course. God looks aside to allow you three minutes to procreate only. Sex (consensual) is such a vital part of our well-being. Contrary to popular opinion, women enjoy sex. They also need it. Regularly.
A story is told of a woman who had a husband who had Houdini tendencies. He was always disappearing. One day Mr. Magic came home after an unusually long disappearing act to find that his wife had given birth to a bouncing baby girl. He was livid. “Whose child is this? I have been away more than one year!” His wife responded calmly that the baby was his, and named after his favourite aunt. (I added the favourite aunt part!)
“Pack your things and your baby and get out of my compound! You prostitute!” (As if he had spent the entire time he had been away in a monastery.)
The madam maintained the baby was his. Then she asked a pertinent question. “When you are away for months at a time, do you think I am putting ugali in my vagina?” (Ugali is a type of stiff maize flour porridge made in Africa)
Let us normalize having affairs, or rather the option to have affairs so that maybe, the burden of maintaining a relationship can be shared.
What are you doing on Friday, 11/11/22 at 8 pm? Join me on Spice FM
