Things That Make Me Go Hmmm: Opinionated Woman Over 40 Edition
Being used, abused, and misused is not "modern" or "independent."
There are things people say that completely baffle me. But my mother used to say, not everyone is from your home.
“You? Can you cry? You look strong! That is something small you can handle” My friend, if any man ever tells you this, rebuke him in the name of everything you find holy, immediately. This is conditioning for a hard life. He is expecting to play in your face but wants to ensure he has strengthened you in advance. A man who denies you vulnerability and femininity is preparing you for the bare minimum and abuse.
“I am a good woman.” I recently sat next to two women who were competing to see who was the best. “I go home by 7 pm!” “ I only drink 2 glasses of wine!” “I do not date more than one man!” “I have only ever had 2 boyfriends!” “I am an independent woman, I don’t need a man’s money” “I pay for everything” “I do not wear makeup” “I never ask for anything, I can do it all by myself” BUT, are you happy? Beyond all the things society, the patriarchy, and your mother want of you, are you doing what you want? Why aren’t you asking for what you need? Are you getting rest? Are you healthy? Women have been conditioned to be ‘good’ which loosely translates to causing everyone the least amount of discomfort usually at their expense. “I have only dated two men!” very good Alice but both those men mistreated you. You are now sticking to the third equally useless one to keep your body count low because society disapproves of a high body count. The prize for being a good woman is usually early death or disease.
“You know if you continue this way, you will not get a man.” To do what, please? What do I need a man to do? Do not get me wrong, I like men, very much. I have even shown some how much I like them (Wink) But I do not need to censor myself. I will say and do what I want to do or what I must do. Those who are for me will find me and those who cannot manage me will gravitate toward those they can get along with. That is the beauty of life. We are not meant for everyone, but everyone will find who is meant for them. Furthermore, pretending to be something I am not to ‘get’ a man is trickery and I choose not to engage in fraud. Shame on you for suggesting it.
“What image are you projecting if a man thinks he can sleep with you?” Wah! This one makes me laugh. It is sex, victim, and slut shaming. My mother used to say a man wants to sleep with all women, anywhere, there is nothing unique you are doing. To turn it around and blame a woman is preposterous. On that note, what is the urgency these days to have sex? Is it getting finished or going out of style? You will put up an innocent post about baby elephants and some random man will be in your inbox telling you how much he desires you and how hard a part of his genitalia is. Unprovoked. How lazy can someone be?
“I would like to have a no-commitment sexual relationship” Of course you can. With your hands or a toy. I still have not made sense of the thinking behind this concept of a no strings attached sexual relationship. Who is fooling who? A man expects a woman to shower, mow and oil surfaces and put together aesthetics all for him to jump in and out of her then be on his merry way until the next time he barks. It is ludicrous. Sex must have a reason beyond ‘release’. It is a connection - a relationship. It is an expression of something - passion. It is a billable service - sex work. It is a means of procreation - children. You do yourself a great disservice by agreeing to not strings unless you are a toy. Because here is the thing. If someone is too lazy or does not hold you in high esteem to want to care about you, know how your day was, what your dreams are, if you are sad, or even want to teach you or invest in you, why should you allow them in your most sacred of places? This is why you feel so empty. You give yourself to people who do not care about you. There is nothing ‘modern’ or ‘independent’ about being used, misused, and abused.
“My child will not eat unless the maid feeds her.” I know it sounds very upper-middle-class, but do you hear yourself? Maybe I am old school and I may sound a little bit judgy. I know you have a job but seriously, the maid is supposed to help and not become a replacement mother. So now it is January and women are begging their domestic help to come back to work because they cannot manage their children and are just realizing their husbands changed their diets. Take a small step back, rearrange some things and become the influencer in your household.
The last thing that makes me go hmmm, for now, is when a man asks, “Why are you being so aggressive?” As if he did not just say stupid things to me. Listen, I will tell you what I think about your behaviour if you lack the maturity to communicate with me in an adult manner. Whatever you want to call it, it is a human response. Men are not the only ones who can be angry or intolerant of trash. Get used to it.
My ebook; THINGS I WISH THEY TOLD ME: How To Enjoy A Relationship With An African Man is still available via this link. Get your copy today. Read, Share and please let me know what you think.
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If someone is too lazy or does not hold you in high esteem to want to care about you, know how your day was, what your dreams are, if you are sad, or even want to teach you or invest in you, why should you allow them in your most sacred of places?
Good one. Correctly put. 💯👏