Spare The Rod, Your Child Will Be Fine

There should be other ways to raise decent human beings without fear, pain and dysfunction as prominent themes.

I am at the stage of parenting where almost everything feels uncomfortable and mysterious. Part of my parenthood journey has lately included conscious self-healing and retrospection. Contrary to expectation, I have not felt a warm glow nor had a feeling of peace, yet. It feels like sitting in shit but the work must continue.

This morning I watched a reel on Instagram that triggered me. Feelings of shame welled up inside me and I felt exposed. A lady told a story about how she and her aunt discipline their children. The aunt proudly showed her a cane that she used to hit her child and on that cane, there was a bible verse that her child quoted before being hit with it. The aunt said she always made sure to let the child know that she was beating the evil (who put it in there?) in the child and not the child. They found it funny. It gave ABUSE.

Why was I feeling ashamed? For a while there I used to beat my children as a form of discipline. I was determined to raise ‘good’ (scared, though I did not know) children. I was proud that I beat my kids, like I was beaten and my parents were, etc. As a society, we have convinced ourselves that it is the African way. Is it though? And why is it one of the ‘African’ things we cling to unreservedly? Can we trace this form of discipline to pre-colonialism? Even if we can, are we aware that we can evolve? Culture is not static.

My children are much older now. I stopped beating them a long time ago. One day I just stopped. Before I even started my healing journey, I realised I was not in the state of mind to use corporal punishment as a disciplinary measure. I was feeling powerless and overwhelmed by life in general. I was so wound up that a child making typical childish mistakes felt like disrespect to me and I retaliated by hitting a helpless child in the name of discipline. The phrase ‘I am beating you because I love you’ felt off. That is the shame that was triggered when I watched that reel.

We often laugh at how our mothers beat us like snakes, but when I think about it, nothing scared me more than waiting for my mother to come home to beat us like we were stepchildren. We have a running joke: if you never asked your mother if she was your real mother, did you have an African mother?

“Oh, the beating made you a better person!” I used to think so too. I do not anymore. I think it made me lack boundaries because I was more afraid of repercussions. I think it made me betray myself because I learned early on that to avoid being caned, I had to say or do what I thought my parent needed me to do. Even if I had a different opinion. I was a spirited child, now, I am an opinionated woman. I would say a lot of my spark and curiosity as a child was often misconstrued as disrespect. Please note my parents were almost lenient, compared to what I have heard about other parents. In our house, we were allowed some pushback, respectfully. I probably would have died in other households from beatings, because I could push more than some.

I have had uncomfortable conversations lately with my kids. We talk openly about when I would beat them and what would go on in their minds. Sometimes they laugh about it because many of their friends have the same stories. There are times they will speak of the fear and helplessness they felt. I have explained that while it is not an excuse; I was going through turmoil, and they were casualties, sometimes. I have apologised, and I hope that empowers them some. To know that I am human and that what I did was not always the right thing. I hope they identify things in their lives that need healing to stop the cycle of abuse and fear in the name of discipline.

But when is it discipline, and when is it abuse? Someone once said you should never hit a child with a rod or slipper. She said that you should always use your hands so that you feel pain too, and the beatings should be targeted at the legs. Some people have a high threshold for pain. And if you compare what you are feeling to what your child is feeling, well, let us say we could argue about it for hours. Because many of us are under a lot of pressure from the responsibilities of life and then add on the baggage from childhood, I do not think we should be raising our hands no matter how good our intentions are. That is my opinion.

It is time we explored other forms of discipline and thought more about therapy for ourselves. Maybe even thought of preventative measures? There is a reason we had go-betweens in the days of old, we did not want to deal with a child who had gummy fingers (thief) or a perpetual liar. (This statement is supposed to be funny) On a serious note though, some of these disciplinary issues may be hereditary, no? If we figured out some traits before we had babies with someone maybe we would not have to beat hereditary traits out of children. I know I said it on a serious note but, I do not sound like I am. It is a thought, though.

There has to be a way to stop this cycle of abuse. This notion that if you are feared, you are respected is ludicrous. We need to be able to separate issues. Is a child outspoken or rude? Do I have personal issues and therefore feel disrespected? Might these disciplinary issues be a symptom of emotional issues? Someone said what looks like chaos to adults is children experimenting, trying to figure out their environment. Should we then provide a conducive environment for children to grow, without stifling them in the name of discipline?

When I look back at my kids' phases, the times when I felt they were acting out, they had other things going on. Sometimes it was even a result of the onset of illness when they were much younger. Now that they are older, I find our tug-of-war has more to do with me not wanting to let them go. Scared of what may happen out there. It has very little to do with disciplinary issues. But to an unhealed eye, it can look like ‘children do not listen, in my day I would have lost my teeth!’

I am not saying that we should not have rules and guidance. Boundaries are crucial. I am saying that there should be another way to raise decent human beings without fear, pain and dysfunction as prominent themes.

We say grandparents ‘spoil’ their grandkids. Your mother will not let you beat her grandchildren, she will say things like, ‘Just talk to him, you are scaring him!’ and we are often left dumbfounded because that same person even killed you once before school for asking a stupid question. Suddenly, they are trauma experts. Well, they are. I think that is their way of trying to stop a cycle. They can now see how they took part in the cycle. And this is the only way they know how to stop it.

Fear does not create disciplined human beings, silence does not mean children are obedient.