No fairy tales here

You feel powerless and your fairy godmother does not exist.

In my ebook, THINGS I WISH THEY TOLD ME; How To Enjoy Your Relationship With An African Man, the first chapter is titled, Forget Everything You Have Read About Romance, It Does Not Apply Here.

A lady told me she was very unhappy in her marriage. She said she was fed up and wanted out. “How did you do it?” She asked me.

Well, you do not just leave a marriage because someone else did; there is no blueprint for leaving.

What exactly is happening? “I cannot stand him!” Ok, that is fair. Why though? “ Like the other day, I was exhausted, and he still asked me for dinner. And I realised he has never even made me dinner!” Hmmm, I do not want to belittle your experience. It is valid. To you. Are you in danger? Does he provide? Is he abusive? “I am not in danger. He looks after his children, and he provides everything! I do not work, but I drive, and I am comfortable. I just cannot stand him.” Ok, do you plan on getting a job? Do you have any savings? “I would rather suffer and be happy!”

Now I had to laugh because this is someone who has clearly never suffered. Suffering and happiness can never be bedfellows.

The problem is simple, you expected a fairytale, and even at your big age, you refused to live in reality. Not being able to stand your spouse is typical. I mean, anywhere people live together there must be misunderstandings, and sometimes you will not be able to stand each other.

But we must put things into perceptive. Be clear. Are you being abused? In whatever form. If not. Then what is the issue? The love is gone. What is love? Flowers, chocolate and date night? Or is it provision and security? Do you know his love language? Have you tried couples therapy? (from a professional.) I know divorce sounds like fun and empowerment. Sometimes it is, especially if you had a horrible marriage, and even then, no one gets into a marriage thinking, “I would like to hate this person in a few years.” Divorce is traumatic no matter the circumstances.

“But I want to be happy!” I do not doubt this. but what is happiness to you? You can make many sober choices to get to a state of contentment, and it does not have to involve leaving your home to suffer financially. You may eventually get there, but why use the rough route?

Listen, ladies, I am on your side. I want you to put yourself first, even if what I am telling you to consider may not feel that way. If you are not being chased from your home, he is a good provider, he does not abuse you in any way, and maybe he is a little or very dull. Before you get excited about divorce, do you have a source of income? Perhaps what annoys you is that you have given this man a lot of financial power. He pays for everything, and you must ask for money like a naughty girl asking her father for pocket money. Not entirely fun. I get it. Since you are in a stable environment, consider returning to school, getting a job or starting a business. Do something that gives you your money, even if it is Kes 500. It is YOURS.

Do not be fooled that starting from scratch is fun. A roof over your head, food in your belly and clothes on your back trumps ‘suffering happily’.

And if it is a type of attention you are looking for, there is a chapter in my book, Have An Affair. You can buy my ebook here.