Need vs Want

We have needed men even before we knew them.

One of the joys of writing my book, THINGS I WISH THEY TOLD ME; How To Enjoy A Relationship With An African Man has been the immense opportunities to learn and discover things about not only other women but also myself.

In almost all the discussions I have had about my book, one thing has been clear, we do the things we do in our relationships out of need. We know what the end goal is, we have been told since we were babies; to stay in a union because we need a man. We do not want him. We have never given ourselves as women the luxury to just want a man.  

Right from girlhood, we were primed for the war of need. “No man wants a dirty girl, you need to be clean.” “ who is going to marry a lazy girl? You should have woken up by now!” “How will you stay in your marriage if you cannot cook!” “ I better not find you with boys, no man will marry a loose girl!” “ where is your husband? You are getting too old!” and the list goes on. Right before your wedding, the next bunch of war stories is shared. “You need to keep him happy, we do not divorce in this family so make sure you do everything right to keep your home. Your husband is your firstborn!” And should you leave the union, “ A woman who leaves her marriage is a damaged woman, which man will want you?”

Everything in your life boils down to a man. Preparing for him, finding him, and finally holding on to him at all costs. Should you drop him, pick another, anything, just pick as long as he is upright. Scrub him with a pumice stone and set him in your house and call him the man IN your house. (He is certainly not the man of the house)

I understand now. We have done so much for the relationships that enjoyment seems so frivolous. “ he may be cheating on me but I am his wife” Meanwhile, you paid your own dowry “I have high self-esteem (yet I have begged him, cried for him not to leave me and accepted lewd sexual acts all to keep him) unlike this other woman who is agreeing to be his side chick, what type of woman can't get her ‘own’ man!” “When his mother was ill, I took her to the hospital, bathed and fed her.” meanwhile the old bat treated you like a stepchild.

We have needed men even before we knew them. This need was passed down to us. It drives us crazy. We do not do for men because we want or love them, we do because we need them. We need them to love us. We need them to act as if they love us. We need children. We need them to take good family portraits. We need our friends to see how happy we are. The society said so. We need him. A woman needs a man. To be respected, accepted, and honoured. What is a woman without a man?

We wait around for the ‘best’ candidate to show any interest and then we proceed to need him. We sacrifice for him unprovoked and then are shocked, and gutted when they do not act according to plan. How dare they?  And we list all the things we did for them and all we needed from them was love. Love- do not cheat, come home early, do not beat me, do not disrespect me, buy me flowers, take me to Paris, be my only friend, make me happy, protect me. Our need never gives us the chance to find out if he can or if he wants to.

And the need starts driving us crazy. We become manipulative. “I cannot have sex with you until you act right.” “If you come home after 8 pm, get your food from the microwave or go back where you came from!” Silent treatment. Disrespect in front of your children.

We become desperate. There is a renowned sex aunty from Uganda. She promises to teach us how to trap men with mind-blowing sex. He will never look anywhere. Wait, I heard the one from Tanzania has things that you can insert up your vagina to make it brand new! But first, let us go to The First Church of Christ Harvest of Latter Day & Night Saints, there is a pastor who will give you oil, a handkerchief, and a white feather. All you have to do is put them in his favourite coat, his girlfriend will become fat, cross-eyed, and lame and he will return to you. Glory Hallelujah. God, I need this miracle.

Sometimes, we become violent. We may even kill. Why couldn’t you just love me? I did all this for you. I only needed you to love me. You drive me crazy!

Need.

There is a video that I watched a while back of a child in a pool. Drowning. Gasping for air and shouting for help. The child was so frantic you could almost taste the water as he swallowed large gulps of it. In the next scene, his guardian walks to him and tells him in a firm voice to stand. The stupid child stands, the water was only knee-deep.

We are drowning in need. I need him. I need him. I will die if I do not have him. I will die if he leaves me. I will die if he marries another woman. I cannot stand the shame. Why won’t he love me the way I need him to? What did I do? Why? STAND!

Need comes with too much responsibility over a whole adult who you took no part in raising. You cannot influence anyone's behavior. Be humble.

Now, want, on the other hand. Oh, I have come to love that word. I want you. It is not pegged to anything. I have not sacrificed anything. I have not acted out of character. I was passing by and said … hmm I want you. It would be nice. What do you think?

Want. Free will for all. Do you want to be here? I know what I want, and what I need (love, purpose) I already have, I liberate you from any responsibility. What I do for you, I want to do. I have weighed the pros and cons. I am driven by reason. What you do for me is not because of what I have done. You want to because you can.

I am a couple of months shy of age 44. And it finally makes sense to me. I would rather want you than need you. Wanting you allows me to see what you would rather do. It allows me to accept you. I do not want to guilt-trip you into anything. We are both willing participants.

Choosing to want someone liberates you. ‘Need’ might sound romantic when said, “I need you” but it is maddening. It is too much power to give anyone.

I want you in my life, it would be good but I do not need you to make my life good.