If It Has To Be, It Is Up To Us

I challenge you to create a culture that saves women from domestic violence.

They say that if you want to educate a whole society, you should start with the woman. I want to think that we are trying to do so when it comes to issues of domestic violence. Most times we have been going directly to those at risk, not the older women, the widows, the grandmothers, those I like to call the tradition keepers.

Marriage has been revered as such a sacred institution that even when women are dying in it, we use flowery words like God hates divorce, pray until something happens, or go to war for your family to try and cover up the stench of bodies in the holy hell hole.

We need to intensify the fight using women. They are the family influencers, at least when they get older. The matriarchs. We need to start teaching ourselves and the girls after us something different. We need to stand up for our women, as women and this is beyond legislature. We need to start new traditions. Our culture needs to evolve. It is up to the tradition keepers.

Now do not get me wrong, marriage is good, important even, but not at the expense of a woman’s life.

I was talking to an aunt recently who had been in an extremely abusive marriage. I wondered why she had stayed so long because she eventually left. She said her mother kept sending her back. Her mother always said it would work out, that even her father used to be the same way but now in their old age, they were living in resentful peace. I guess because the old man could not fight like he used to. She eventually left and of course, her mother was disappointed until she explained, explicitly what she had gone through. Her father was ashamed. Her mother was not convinced that it was the worst because she was still alive anyway.

It is us, the women who will change how we marry and how we stay married, maybe if we stay married. Not just from the way we raise our sons, because that too is important, but from how we culture our girls.

When you set off to get married, the women around you go into overdrive. Their mission is to keep you married at whatever cost. 

While this is noble, it sends out the wrong message. It says the most important thing is marriage. It says once in, there is no way out unless you want to break everyone’s heart.

After this, the women then organize bridal showers and kitchen parties. The sole purpose of these shenanigans is to teach you how to make sure your husband stays with you. The curriculum has different ways to prepare food because the way to a man’s heart is good food. Meanwhile, no one has asked that man what he likes to eat. We have just decided rice is the best food all the while he would rather eat hooves daily.

The next subject in this school of marriage is how to treat this man to avoid abuse, mostly. So these women know there are chances of abuse and instead of telling you how to spot and run, they think you can behave ‘well’ to avoid abuse. Lessons include tactics like storing water in your mouth when he is shouting so you do not escalate his madness or using tact to tell him that the electricity bill in his own house is due, wait, the funniest is keeping his children silent. Children make noise, if you did not want noise you should have bought an aquarium of fish. You cannot be the peace to someone who is in his turmoil.

The last and most important chapter in the syllabus on keeping a man is ways to have sex (not for you to enjoy). Apparently, you can learn ways to fuck a man to submission. This often amuses me because in most cases we have already done, blown, bent, and sucked everything so there is nothing new we are learning. 

Do you see how stupid it all seems now? Can we change what bridal showers and kitchen parties stand for? Can this be a time to affirm the bride-to-be? To tell her that she is important. Her life matters, and her happiness matters. That as we stand with her on what a few people think is the happiest day of her life, we will stand with her at what she feels is the worst day of her life. That our love for her will not change if she tries and it does not work. We shall welcome her back and stand with her and protect her not only from her abuser but from friends and relatives who want to project their negativity onto her.

Abusers do not ‘settle down’. They change their tactics. We need to change the goal of marriage. It is not to die in there, it is supposed to be an experience that we enjoy and learn from. No one is saying you must be happy throughout, it just is not possible. What we are saying is that marriage is not supposed to be life-threatening. If it gets to that point, everyone's goal is to save your life. At the expense of religion or societal expectations. There is nothing you will add to anyone by dying, you will only succeed in losing your life and leaving your children motherless. Someone said when you lose your father, you have lost a parent, but when you lose a mother, you are an orphan. You will leave your children as orphans.

As women, older women, we have a big role to play. Stop sending your daughters, nieces, and younger sisters back to the ring. If she comes to you in trouble, the trouble becomes yours.

Instead of asking her what she did to make him angry, your heart should break that she thought herself unworthy enough to wait for that slap, beating, etc. 

We have a huge role to play ladies. Let us instill different and more helpful ideas of marriage.

Marriage is good, but sometimes it ends. Sometimes we make mistakes and we do not have to lay with them longer than necessary. We do not have to die to protect other people’s feelings. There is life after marriage. You can come home after the marriage ends. Home is a place of peace, safety, and acceptance. Our happiness is important. We are not beasts of burden.

My first-born child has just turned 21. I am now in the stage of parenting where we have discussions and I offer suggestions and alternative viewpoints. I can no longer make rules.

I left a marriage that was not working and the financial and emotional abuse continued after the marriage. I am not oblivious to the fact that my daughter was conscious of everything going on. Many would assume that because she saw me leave a useless marriage, it may be easy for her to leave a marriage that is not working. Quite the contrary. She is in more danger of staying in one because she has withnessed firsthand the difficulties and bullying I have endured as a single mother. And herein lies the risk of a ‘generational curse’ (for the simple-minded).

While there is no curse, there is trauma. I know women from homes where their mothers were single mothers who will stay in abusive relationships thinking they are breaking a curse when in reality, they fear the stigma they witnessed, they cannot imagine going through the bullying from everyone who thought they were easy prey because they had no male backing or even the passive aggression from relatives and friends. Being treated like what they had was contagious.

I have had to make a conscious decision to change our tradition. In our family, we do not accept abuse of any kind. Even if you realise you are being abused as you walk down the aisle, we will turn around and leave with you. You may not have to leave a relationship completely but you will leave an abusive situation and if it can be salvaged it will be done when you are in safety. Nobody dies for another person in our house. Some people believe that Jesus died for them, and that should be enough. I, for one, will not give up any of my children for any reason. There is nothing you can do that will cause us to abandon you. We are proud of you for making this decision. We are not going to 'hide' you. You do not deserve to be mistreated, and if it is not working, you should return home. Return to your home, wherever it may be. We will stand beside you, share what we have, and defend you. You are ours. This is our way of life. 

I challenge you to create a culture that saves women from domestic violence.