Divorce Crisis Caused By Monogamy

We struggle with polygamy because we made marriage a religious issue.

The apparent divorce crisis has everyone excited. The reasons for this crisis are real as well as imagined. We have the usual men versus women. The groups comparing the present generation to their grandparents and the men who think masculinity means being a caveman all chiming in.

I know it is fun to blame each other. I blame the ones who brought us the idea of monogamy. Someone said that men created monogamy. I accept this. Missionaries. (I will add). The explanation is simple. Women will always be attracted to the strongest, good-looking, most aggressive, wealthiest men in their environment. If you did not fall in that category, chances were that you did not get a wife while your agemates each had three or more. This is natural selection. The lazy, weak, docile, and maybe not the best-looking man would die off without a chance at reproduction, while the ideal man would have his seed in multiple women.

Monogamy presents many problems apart from the fact that it is widely believed not to be a natural state for men or women. Monogamy is the cause of divorce. Our pursuit of faithfulness in this unnatural state is the leading cause of this crisis.

“Apart from the traditional grounds of divorce, social media and the use of mobile phones are emerging as a factor in divorces. There are spouses looking online for evidence that their partner is unfaithful,” says lawyer Danstan Omari. From The Nation.

We were lured into monogamy with toxic taglines that were and are consistently fed to us. In church, in popular music, in books, and the movies. “Mine forever”, “Only you, only me”, “Together forever and never to part”, “One man, one woman”, “From the rib of Adam”, “God hates divorce”, “ You are my heart if you leave me I will die” amongst other more sensational ones.

So we get into a union and try to blackmail, trick, manipulate and bewitch a fellow adult into thinking they do not need any other human interaction. We will be their everything. Both scenarios are impossible and only serve to drive us mad.

We may argue that infidelity in marriage is the number one cause of divorce. This does not make sense because we are not monogamous. You cannot put human beings in a cage and then be surprised that they tried or broke out. We do not belong in cages.

A little over one hundred years ago, the divorce rate was low. There must have been one or two failed marriages because no matter how good a concept, it cannot be foolproof. This was, of course, before the Western influence of romantic theatrics and unrealistic goals. These days we say a man should leave everyone and cling to his wife and the two of them should forsake everyone. On the other hand, our culture required that people be less selfish and more inclusive.

A man in the days of old probably married his first wife young. This was often a match made by the parents to fulfil tradition, settle something or strengthen a tie or an alliance. He seldom had much to do with it unless he was a son amongst many, in which case his older brothers had paid whatever price. In this case, he married his first wife out of duty. His second wife was probably one he fell in love with. He had already filled whatever obligations with the first one, the second wife he loved, and she loved him back. Number three came because he had something to prove to himself or the world. I can never understand why men want to remind everyone that their penis still works as if we are all as occupied with his member as he is. Number three knows what she is getting into. She probably had family obligations. Her brother needed dowry for his wife, her mother was ill, her younger sister had a suitor and could not get married before her or they were about to lose their land to creditors. She did not love him, but she knew what had to be done.

Number four might be similar to number three depending on the age of the man, but if she was the last wife, she was a caregiver. This one needed the marriage to right her wrongs or to save her. She was pregnant or an orphan. She may also have been barren or widowed. Number four came to the man in his old age. She was happy to cover her shame, have a home and a place where she would be buried. Her primary duty was to take care of Mzee. By the time the caregiver wives were married, the older wives were either dead or too old or sick to look after Mzee.

Now, you might ask, what about the women since the men seemed to enjoy polygamy? (I do not think having many women is fun, but..) I will, first of all, encourage you to find out more about your culture before all the older people die out. The primary function of marriage some years ago was not eternal love with one man. It was to have children to ensure the continuity of society. As a woman, you had a duty to your family, community and ancestors. The women’s expectations then were different. They were more realistic than we are.

It was not all duty for the women. We had cultures where it was understood that your husband’s age group or clansmen were ‘fair game’. A man could not just walk into his boma quietly, he had to cough, whistle or sing as he approached. His compound had small openings in the fence to allow the helpers to leave without causing embarrassment. All children born in a man’s compound belonged to him. This worked to the advantage of society because if there was a genetic disease, rarely would a whole family be swept off the face of the earth by said disease because not everyone in the family shared DNA. 

The way I see it, you could get married and be with the love of your life even though he was not the same man. This is a win.

Fast forward to modern times. Someone sold monogamy to the masses. The result is complete pandemonium. Men kill women, women kill men, and men or women kill their helpers. All in the name of love.

After a woman has bought into the fairytale of happily ever after with her one true love, she becomes an investigator and dedicates her days to surveillance and tears. When she fails to domesticate her man, she will get a divorce, and start the cycle of trying to keep one man to herself—never considering that he may be polygamous. I have always maintained that an African man is polygamous or promiscuous.  

It gets worse because now, every man can get at least one woman thanks to monogamy. Natural selection cannot happen. A man whose name and genes would have died with him 100 years ago is picking and choosing because a woman ‘must have one man’. So here you have a man who cannot provide, artless, meek, yet, he is reproducing. That union eventually ends in divorce. No matter what a woman tells you, women need security. They can only submit willingly to a leader, provider, and a protector. One could even blame social media because women can now compare their partners to those who appear to be better online, but these are just symptoms of monogamy. 

Veteran family lawyer Judy Thongori, the rise in divorces is due to many factors, including non-alignment, lack of trust, and money. From The Nation

Polygamy served a vital social function. The widows, single mothers, impotent men, and barren women all found reprieve in this social institution.

The only form of marriage that can answer multiple needs simultaneously is polygamy. Yes, there have been cases where lately, polygamy has been misused by promiscuous men and has caused untold suffering to women and children. The solution is simple, the community needs to be involved in marriages beyond contributing towards lavish weddings. There should be grave social consequences for abusing marriage in whatever form. We cannot just blame women for leaving unions that are many times hazardous.

Divorce cases will continue to rise as long as we want to own and control another human being. If we keep forgetting that nature has principles and our culture has expectations, we will continue adding to the divorce statistics. Let us consider the old ways. The modern way has God in a hate crisis. We are only talking about the high rate of divorce, we are yet to tackle the effects.

Marriage, like religion, is a social construct. We struggle with polygamy because we made marriage a religious issue.

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