Dear Felly...
Is there any hope in my marriage? I am unhappy and so confused.
Dear Felly,
I married him when I was in my late twenties. I can’t say he was the love of my life, then and he is not now. We dated for a few months, I fell pregnant and we married.Â
We still have sex. He tries his best to satisfy me but for me, sex is devoid of any emotion or affection. I can’t look him in the eyes when doing it for fear that he will see that I am not into it emotionally. Lately, I have been refusing to do it and this is creating a strain on the marriage. I feel like I no longer love him ( well if at all I did).
We haven't been affectionate to each other ever since we met. No cuddles, hugs, kissing, pecks on the cheek, or pillow talks. I sometimes miss the cuddling, kissing and pillow talk sessions I had with my first boyfriend( just the sessions, not him. I stopped loving him when I ended it). I recently met an old flame. We kissed and cuddled and had sex. I enjoyed the kissing and the cuddling ( which is what I am missing in my marriage) more than the sex. I am afraid of spending the rest of my life with no companion if I go ahead and divorce. And the thought of starting all over again alone scares me. With him, I am assured of having a roof over my head (which we acquired through joint financial efforts).
Is there any hope in my marriage? I am unhappy and so confused. We have two kids together.Â
Dear Lady,
There is always hope, just don’t make hope itself a strategy.
Forget about ‘the love of your life’ and all other Hollywood constructs, do you want to be married to him? Can the two of you be friends? Is he a good human being?
We take it for granted that men know what we need, we take it further to the left, by assuming they know what to do from the onset. Just because he is a man does not mean he knows what to do in the bed or elsewhere. He is also not a mind reader.
Can you talk to him about what you need? The next time he is getting ready to jump on you, slow him down. You know your man. Giggle or push him away playfully and ask him to slow down, ask him to kiss you. Hold his face and show him how to. Tell him you like the kissing (only if you do, do not lie to him.) If you don’t like what he is doing, teach him. Also, have you tried kissing and cuddling him at other times? He might assume you do not like it because you have not tried it on him. Sometimes, we teach people by doing to them what we would like them to do unto us and many times, we are satisfied because we ALLOW ourselves to be vulnerable with certain people. Are these things you can do?
If he is in agreement, go for therapy, NOT faith-based. Just see a professional counsellor. It helps to get the perspective of someone who is not involved and whose sole goal is to see you win here and now, in the flesh.
I do not think there is a reason for divorce. From what you have explained, these things can be rectified if you are both willing to work on the marriage. In the unlikely chance that there is no teaching your man new tricks, and you decide to seek satisfaction outside, you must be wiser than the proverbial serpent. This means being very clear about the realities of having an affair as a married woman. Weigh your pros and cons VERY carefully.
Wishing you clarity and joy,
Felly.
Get of THINGS I WISH THEY TOLD ME; How To Have A Relationship With An African Man here
