Annie Idibia Represents Most African Women In Relationships With African Men
The hardest thing for people to see is themselves
Over the weekend I watched the second season of Young, Rich and African. Yes, I am one of those, sometimes. I have watched the first season as well. As usual, Annie Idibia was trending. We laughed at her in the first season and continued in this one too. Everyone became a motivational speaker as we tapped into her misfortunes for content.
This weekend I could not laugh or judge her. It finally hit me why we (women) like to pick on her. In a recent Facebook post, I stated that if you are an African woman in a relationship with an African man, you understand what Annie is going through. What she is experiencing is not alien to us. Most of our men have children in far and near places and not necessarily with only us. Just because you have not yet found them does not mean they do not exist.
I have sat at many a dinner table when a husband or boyfriend said something so off-colour our faces turned deep purple. So why are we ridiculing this lady? We are because we are projecting our fear, shame and cowardice on her. At least she has the guts to look stupid openly for her man, but we cover-up. We buy ourselves flowers, pay our own dowry, come up with fake cute things he did for us, pay club membership for him, dress him up in nice clothes that we purchased, pay his children's school fees, beg him to come home, beat and abuse his girlfriends, look after that female demon he calls a mother, spend money and energy in churches praying for him, visit witchdoctors the list is endless. We know what we are doing is stupid, and we feel silly deep down, but it is easier to remove the spec in another’s eye by shaming them all over the place.
Annie’s story highlights the horrors of marriage. I know I may sound sensational but marriage can be a fucking nightmare in these parts. I once wrote an article in The Star Kenya - Why I will be number 5 in another life I still stand by it. There is no glory in this race to be the first wife. Maybe there was a lifetime ago, but now, it is a thankless, maddening and life-threatening job. I kept cringing when Annie would ‘clarify’ that she was 2Baba’s wife like it would add happiness yawa.
Let me tell you why I was horrified while watching Annie in the second season of Young, Rich and African. She took me back to a dark place that I thought I had forgotten. The feeling of hopelessness because you cannot find the words or actions to get this bugger to see how he is hurting you. You are with someone you cannot trust no matter what they say today because tomorrow, you are guaranteed that he will have you looking like a clown. The total lack of control over where your life is heading. At the same time, you are full of hope because of the small gestures. You are deprived of recognition and appreciation when he states the obvious like, ‘You are the mother of my kids’, it feels like an affirmation of his love for you above everyone (woman).
You are on edge throughout that you lash out at the wrong people because you must be strong somewhere surely. You cannot be a doormat everywhere but because your mind is foggy and tired, you say things you cannot remember to people who do not deserve the aggression.
You do not trust anyone because everyone is an enemy. You have been the butt of all the jokes for so long that everything sounds like you are being mistreated or tested. The only narrative you are willing to believe is the one that monkey you are trying to give love and respect to twists to suit whatever mess he has created.
Your life stops. Your businesses and career suffer. Your relationships break, yet he seems to be able to continue with life. The more you support him, the more your mental health goes to the dogs. You cannot sit still because you are so used to turmoil. Your stress levels are so high that you can barely concentrate, not even on simple conversations.
Then the in-laws, oh my goodness, the in-laws. As if you are not going through enough, they are determined to add their own set of trials. One of my friends refused to go out with a man because his mother was still alive. I still laugh so hard (too hard yawa) when it crosses my mind. Now that is a trauma response.
You love him, yet, according to him, that is part of the problem because you love him too much, and he feels overwhelmed. But is that love? Or are you so damaged you will hang on to anything? Maybe it is Stockholm syndrome.
Annie is going through a lot. And a lot of what Annie is suffering we are going through or have gone through. We are all traumatized. She does not need us to make it worse. We will not make what we are going through better by making a fellow victim feel worse. If you are triggered by watching her, then you need to address certain things in your life. We all need a lot of therapy, my sisters, we have suffered.
One of the reasons I stopped taking part in my mistreatment is I learned, painfully and in tears that Karma only acts when there is no consent. I remember when I would complain or cry to whomever they would say, “Don’t worry, he will pay here for what he has done to you!” or “Those women will also suffer the way you are suffering for ‘misleading’ and bewitching him!” I know they meant well but these are useless words. I had consented to be in that marriage despite how disorganized it was. I was there for better or worse, ironing shirts every morning and washing the boxers. I was there when I accepted the excuse of “She is blackmailing me with the pregnancy”, I was there, I showed up, and I shared my blessing and power. I consented to be one with that person, so we went through ‘for worse’ together.
The other women did not trick this whole adult male. They had consent. He probably did the chasing. He removed food from his children’s mouths and gave strangers. They had consent. The only people who did not consent were his children. That is the only place Karma would do its thing. That was a separate fight from my own. But I think many men know this because you will find the ones who continue to be successful make sure their kids are looked after while they terrorize you. So you will be praying for things to happen to him for harassing you, yet, his life continues to prosper.
Please stop consenting to your suffering. You can do something, and that something is not throwing stones at the woman who is already suffering. You are not fooling anyone with, “If it were me!” “It could never be me” “I would have walked away!” "She is a shame to womanhood." Because, we see you, and we see ourselves when we look at Annie. Whole or bits and pieces. Either way, there is nothing funny about it.
